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Tips for parent's when meeting with teacher

publish in the Honolulu Advertiser, 2/27/01 (Knight Ridder News Service)

So you've got a good kid. He (usually) does his homework, he's a math whiz and he doesn't hit girls. But he brought home a note this week from his teacher—who wants to meet with you. Pronto. And it doesn't sound good.

What does that mean? It means something is wrong, and you've got a 15-minute opportunity to charm the teacher, understand the problem and make it right.

"A parent conference is something that's very stressful for parents." says Kay Floyd, a lecturer at Tarlton State University in Stephenville, Texas, who has studied and written about these meetings.

What can you do to make sure the conference goes well? Floyd and some teachers were asked for pointers on what parents can do to encourage a successful parent/teacher conference.

1. Respond. If your child's teacher requests a conference, don't just ignore the request. This tip may sound silly, but teachers say parents often don't return their calls or respond to their notes. Be cooperative. If the teacher requests a conference because of, say, a behavior problem, don't simple reply with a note that you've taken care of it. Meet with the teacher, even if it's a problem you think you can solve.

2. Keep an open mind. When you're discussing problems, it's natural to want to side with your child. But your child's teacher might really have something important to tell you. Instead of getting defensive, listen to what the teacher is saying—she or he wants to help your child just as much as you do.

"Parents often cry," says Carole Lemonds, an elementary school teacher in Arlington. Texas. "We understand that, because sometimes you're hearing things that you do not want to hear."

Other teachers say they've been yelled at and threatened by parents.

Parents "know going in that they're going to hear bad things about their child," Floyd says. "That's not very much fun."

But behavior and performance problems can almost always be solved if the teacher and parent work together.

3. Plan ahead. It's easy to be intimidated by the teacher or what he's saying. Floyd recommends that you think about and write down what you want to discuss beforehand. Most parent/teacher conferences last only about 15 minutes, which can fly by too quickly if you're not focused.

4. Speak up. If your child is having a problem that the teacher hasn't mentioned—socially or academically—this is the time to bring it up.

5. Follow through. You and your child's teacher may come up with a plan of action. But the meeting is useless if you don't follow through. If the plan doesn't seem to be working, let the teacher know. Send a note. Schedule another conference.

Tips of Positive Parenting

No-one ever said raising a child was an exact science. But according to the experts, here's what to do to sharpen your skills.

Know your child. We parents fall short when we try to make our children more intelligent, assertive, graceful or accomplished than they are naturally disposed to be. We fail them just as much when we ignore or deny their real talents and temperament.

Know yourself. Examine your motives in wanting more from your child. Parent may have their own shame or unmet needs that they project onto their children.

Do you want your child to take dance lessons because your parents forced them on you? Were you a mediocre athlete but hope for a trophy winner in the next generation?

Educate yourself. Talk to other parents and your paediatrician, and read child-development books to learn what you can reasonably expect from your child at each stage of his life.

Empathise. Take time to see your-self through your child's eyes. Do you act embarrassed by him? Do you point out only his mistakes? Would you want to be treated that way?

Make adjustments. No-one responds well to someone who is accusatory or judgemental. If you find yourself harping on what your child can't do, refocus on her strenghts. Once you change your attitude, you may find that she changes too.

Collabrate. Create a partnership with your child in which he can participate in setting appropriate goals and solving problems.

Read how your child feels. Your child's behavior -anger, fidgeting, procrastination -says alot about whether she is being asked to do more than she can manage.

Explore possibilities. A good way to encourage is to expose your childdren to a variety of environments, including sports, the arts, nature and science. Let your child find out what she enjoys.

Keep your eye on the end goal. A parent's main objective should be raise a child who loves well, works well and takes pleasure in life. You don't want to stifle curiosity, initiative and confidence.

Avoid comparisons. A style of parenting that works for one child may backfire for his sibling. Every child has his own personality.